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Water Saving Toilets

No, this isn’t a rant. Surely it’s a rave, right? Hail to the water saving toilet! We Americans consume too much. Like for instance, the toilet. Never mind that it’s the fastest, cleanest, most efficient way to treat-well, things that we simply don’t want to treat ourselves. So all we folks are flushing away, wasting water…wait a minute. Don’t we have the exact same amount of water on this place since creation? Don’t we just treat it and it goes back to good ol’ H2O? Maybe the problem is that we haven’t built enough infrastructure to provide water. In Seattle, where I’m from, they haven’t built any significant water facilities since the 60’s. Well, maybe the population is the same there, after fifty years. Actually, if it doesn’t rain for a long long time, like three weeks, the weather forecaster, with a somber face, will tell the natives about the ‘mini drought.’ Then people wear their dry, dead grass like a trophy. ‘I’m conserving!’
Las Vegas, too. Lake Mead is down seventy five feet. Huge volumes of water pass right through to the California desert to irrigate rice paddies. Because when the water treaties were created, Nevada had somewhere around three people in the state.
Anyway who cares? Let’s save water. Good idea. So the government, whose job it is to monitor every little action in our lives (including pooping, apparently), mandated the water saving toilet. (I wonder. Is there an underground, black market of water-using toilets? Do jack booted government agents come and seize it? What does ‘jack booted’ mean, anyway? Do they make you give the water back? How would you do that? Do they arrest you? I can imagine that:
Warden; “What’s this guy here for?”
Guard; “Water wasting.”
Warden; “Disgusting! Keep him out of the general population. Put him with the murderers and child molesters.”) They probably just fine you. They need the money.
But, what a wonder! Originally, a person just, um, ‘used’ them, and that was that. Now that they save water, it’s a little different. Here’s how they work:
Approach the conveyance. Peer intently into the reflection pool. Do you see anything amiss? Like ‘hangers on’ from the last event? Then hit the chrome starter switch. Okay. Assume the position. Initiate delivery. Now, you be the judge. Should the product be excessive, you may want to hit ‘elevator down’ halfway through delivery. Either way, finish the project and push ‘send’. Now it’s time to get the paperwork in order, and the best bet is to mail it separately. Time for the cleanup project. During this process, listen for any funny rumblings, groaning, slurps or swishes. One last check. Anything look sketchy? Better fire the gun one more time, just to clear the muzzle.
And there you have it. Walk out of that place, happy and proud to have done your part to conserve water.
Next month; stay tuned for 'Unsynchronized traffic lights. The end of civilization as we know it?'

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