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I know


I know something about some women that you don’t. I know a fact that almost nobody does, even their husbands. I know it about men, too, but it is particularly daunting for women. Guess what it is. No. No. Not even that. Hey! Shame on you. But no. It’s their deepest secret. Here it is.
I know what women weigh.
No, it’s not ESPN or anything like that. It’s not a guess, it’s a fact. I work for my son at his landscape material yard, and the rock is sold by the ton. So the customer drives onto the scale. I look at the scale. It reads something like ‘4,560.’ The customer steps out of the truck. It reads, ‘4,380.’ Simple subtraction, learned in 3rd grade (probably a high school elective now), and the person weighs 180 pounds.
The other day, two women came in to buy some flagstone. They looked like Mom and Grandma, and Mom called the older one, ‘Mom.’ So, my deductive reasoning kicked in. They don’t teach that in school at all, I’m pretty sure.
Anyway, Mom steps out of the truck. I do the math. 240. Granny exits, 200. I’m sure they would both be mortified if they knew I knew.
Maybe that’s what causes the compulsion. (Let’s see; obsession, you can’t stop thinking about it, compulsion, you can’t stop doing it. Yeah.) Just the idea that I know. I usually go back to the office and tell the Little Woman the results. She just clucks her tongue and shakes her head like a person watching a sophomoric prank. I did notice when we went to the scale for the photo op, she avoided it. Hmm.
Michelle Obama wants us all to lose weight, and judging from the people stepping out of pickup trucks these days, maybe we should. Perhaps the government can form a commission to study it for, oh, say a trillion dollars. Maybe they could cut the school lunch programs. Or how about this? Make the kids learn subtraction, and for every correct answer, they get a grape. Or a raisin. Perhaps an unsalted sunflower seed. But I digress.
Men don’t care near as much what they weigh. But I don’t tell them either. And really, who cares? Usually how you look indicates approximately how much you weigh. But I’ll bet some of them don’t even know how much they weigh themselves. But I know! Heh heh heh.

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