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The Nipton Empire Part 3

Previously on 'The Nipton Empire':

The town of Nipton, California is for sale.

 I intend to buy it, secede from the United States and form my own country, become its Emperor, and appoint myself to compete in the Winter Olympics in the biathlon. 

After competing, I would debase myself to an interview with Bob Costas. Nothing against him, but an Emperor should pursue higher efforts. The interview would go something like this:

Bob Costas; "We're here at the finish of the Biathlon, and finishing in last place is Kevin Parsons, the uh, Emperor of the tiny country of Nipton."
Kevin Parsons; "You will refer to me as, 'His most magnificence, Emperor Kevin Parsons, may he reign forever.'"
Bob; "I'm not going to do that."
Kevin;  "Yes. You will. Every time you address me."
BC;  "No, on a number of levels, but mainly because it would drag down the interview."
KP; "Oh. I understand.Well, just address me like that once."
BC; "Sorry, no."
KP; "Then this interview is over." (Stands)
BC; "Wait! Stop! Okay, but once only."
KP; (Sits) Very well. go ahead."
BC; "Your most... um magnificent-"
KP: "His most magnificence, Emperor Kevin Parsons, may he reign forever."
BC; "Yes. What you said."
KP; "Come on."
BC; "Oh, fine. His most magnificence, Emperor Kevin Parsons, may he reign forever."
KP. "Thank you."
BC; "So you finished the biathlon in last place, seven hours, twelve minutes and five seconds behind the next competitor. That's quite a lot."
KP; "Yes, well, I got tired, so I made many stops. First, I needed a pick me up and stopped for a Kit Kat bar." (Holds on up). Delicious and invigorating!"

BC; "That was thirty five seconds into the event."
KP; "Hey, I was tired!"
BC; "Nine minutes later you stopped-"
KP; "For a delicious Diet Dr. Pepper."(Holds up a bottle) "The only soda with a PhD."

BC; "I never thought of that."
KP; "You think about it."
BC; "And you seemed to have missed every shot."
KP; "Well of course! I brought a double barrel sawed off shotgun. I would have hit all the targets then. But nooo. The committee claimed it was illegal and made me use one of those little pop guns. You couldn't hit the broad side of a barn with one of those."
BC; "You said it."
KP; "Excuse me?"
BC; "Nothing.So after so many hours and being so far behind, how did you stay motivated?"
KP; (Holds one up) "5 Hour Energy. Great stuff. Kept me on my game, all right."

BC; "Yes, by then you were three hours behind."
KP; "Excuse me?"
BC; "Just commenting."
KP; " I suggest you don't come to the country of Nipton. Saying something like that could get you hung in the town square."
BC; " So... you finished. Are you happy with that?"
KP; "Oh, of course. I was just tired. And missed all my shots."
BC; "No regrets then?"
KP; "I felt sort of bad, but saw my therapist, David Monroe." (Holds up photo) No matter how screwed up you are, he can fix you."

BC; "That must have cost a fortune."
KP; "Think Gallows. Middle of town."
BC; "Well,that about wraps up our interview."

That's the way I'd envision it, anyway. So all I need is $1.3 million. I was thinking of 1.3 million people each donating one dollar, but am swinging the other way. I need ONE DONOR of $1.3 m. Is that you? For your donation, you'll receive:
One autographed photograph of yours truly, the Emperor in his regal attire.
The title, 'Assistant to the Emperor.'
The chance to walk in front of the Emperor's float during the annual Nipton Country Parade,shouting, "His most magnificence, Emperor Kevin Parsons, may he reign forever."
Free diet Dr. Peppers, Kit Kats and 5 Hour Energies for a year. 
What are you waiting for? Cut that check. Imagine. Creating your own country. 

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