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Could Lincoln Win?






Bear with me. This is not a political blog.
If Abraham Lincoln ran for President of the United States today, could he win?
You might think it would depend on who he ran against.
I say no. He couldn't beat hardly anyone.
Think outside the box for a minute. There was no Abraham Lincoln in the 1800's. Some other guy ended the civil war, wrote the Gettysburg Address, and was assassinated. Now the elections are nearing, and a guy named Abraham Lincoln wants to run. Forget if he runs as a Democrat or Republican.
I say he couldn't beat Obama. Not John McCain, Huckabee, Hillary Clinton, Sarah Palin, Gingrich, or even Jimmy Carter, should he decide to run again.
Why not?
He's just too...homely.
That's right. We're just too caught up in the superficial.
"I wouldn't vote for that Lincoln guy. He looks like a stork."
"The beard. He looks like he was born in a log cabin or something."
"And those Neanderthal eyes deep in their sockets? No way."
"And those huge ears. ugh."
But Obama's ears- okay, forget that.
Seriously! We lift, lipo, band, tuck, enhance and Photoshop our way through life these days.
Can't you see some guy taking on Lincoln? He's French, has spiked hair and a short goatee, with piercing dark eyes.
"I cannot do it! You expect Christophe to work a miracle? This is too much, I tell you. I quit."
My glamor shot is what got me started on this journey. I needed one for my book. Look at it. It's me, right?
No, it's an image of me.
But how real, or how accurate of an image?
First, I'm wearing a suit.
For the record, when I die, I'd rather be buried naked than in a suit.
But society likes suits, so hence, the penguin outfit. And don't get me started on ties!
The man sets the lights to get the best color and shading. Has a wonderful camera that takes great shots.
Finishing, he loads a couple dozen pictures into a computer. I pick the best of the first four, the second four, and so on, sort of like march Madness but with a lot less sweat.
Voila! The best photo.
Then he super zooms it and 'trims' stray hairs with Photoshop.
Cool.
Next he goes over my jacket and colors out lint and wrinkles.
Amazing!
Couldn't we have done that earlier, with a lint brush? Oh well.
Then he works on my face.
Oh boy.
Takes out a blemish here, works on some...well, signs of 'rode hard and put away wet.' Something like that.
Finally, the wrinkles.
He works on them for awhile, then gives me options.
"Watch." He clicks the mouse. "This is fifty percent. This," another click, "is seventy, and this is eighty."
I'm getting younger. Amazing.
"Most men pick fifty percent. Women pick seventy to eighty percent."
No comment here.
"Any more and the image looks plastic."
I pick fifty.
Apparently, it isn't whether one should Photoshop their image, but how much.
Hmm. Pretty phony.
But maybe if Lincoln got a bit of plastic surgery, some Botox, a personal trainer, manicurist and hairstylist, he could have a shot.
Driving home from my photo shoot, it hits me.
I should have made him put my hair back.

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